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Screwtape Returns: Taking Jesus Back From the Republicans (Satire)

Here is a powerful satire by Adam Graham in the memorable style of C.S. Lewis' Screwtape letters. This one is worth reading. Make sure to read the rest the entire series Graham wrote. More information is available at Adam's site. Graham reports that the first 22 Screwtape Reports, along with 10 never before published reports will be soon released in book form. I'm looking forward to it.
From: Dave Screwtape

To: Democratic Members of Congress, Liberal Clergy, Opinion Leaders, and Activists

Subject: The Right Picture of Jesus

As I returned from an extended vacation, I was deluged with letters asking how we mitigate the Republican advantage with Christian voters. I think the solution is simple. As other Democrats have said, "We must take God back from the Republicans." There is only one way to do that, and it is through Jesus Christ.

Christian Conservatives rarely talk about Christ in their public speeches, they talk about "God" or providence or "The Lord." The reason for that they wish to be inclusive of all Americans who have any belief in God. That, and the fact that if they even end a prayer "in the name of Jesus" our allies in the press will go ballistic.

What we must do is borrow that phrase from the tacky bracelet, "What Would Jesus Do?" and use it to death. By saying, Jesus would do something often enough, you'll convince enough Christians of the fact. Here are some examples.

"Jesus wouldn't launch a war for oil against the Iraqi people. Jesus wouldn't have appointed Alberto Gonzalez Attorney General. Jesus would spend more government money on the poor. Jesus would want everyone to have free health care. Jesus wouldn't back a Constitutional Amendment banning Flag Burning."

Now, we can do this with a variety of issues, but we all have to paint a good picture of Jesus. Jesus was a tolerant, loving, nice guy who cared about poor people. With that understanding, we can make any arguments we want that fits that picture and Christians will listen.

Thus, we can shift Christian concern away from issues like abortion and gay marriage to issues such as reducing poverty through government programs and more money for schools, because that is what Jesus would want.
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